Friday, March 22, 2013

Caffeinated Randomness - A Dream of a Fish

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I am stopping the Caffeinated in the Word study.  I'm sorry if you were following it but I do have a good reason.  You see I had a dream.  Not Martin Luther Jr.'s dream.  Not the dream that Fantine dreamed in Les Miserable (although I will write on that dream later).  This dream was prophetic.  It was life changing.  It was awakening.  It involved a fish.

Ok, do I have your attention?  I should tell you this fish was more like a mini shark.  I guess you should also say fishes as there were quite a few of them.  There was a dark dingy tank where these fish lived.  It was almost inhospitable.  There was a 2nd tank with clean water.  

I was moving the fish from one tank to another.  They were fighting every minute of it.  Flipping around almost causing me to drop them.   Did I mention I was moving them with my hands?  They fought with every ounce of strength until I dropped them in the clean tank.  Then they swam around happy and content.

This was my dream Saturday night.  I awoke Sunday morning puzzled; trying to figure it out.  Then it hit me.  You see I have to confess, for sometime I have felt spiritually dead.  Oh, I was doing the 40 day study, more intellectually then spiritually or emotionally.  I had no prayer life.  I felt like a sham.  I was angry, resentful, frustrated because of all the trials in my life:  ones brought on by myself and ones I had no control over.  

This didn't happen overnight and shouldn't have been a big surprise to me as I kept God at an arm's length.  I had all but abandoned my prayer life (few contrite prayers here or there).  I was cramming through the 40 Days in the Word study and had totally abandoned my Good Morning Girls study (sorry Rubies).  I was struggling to breathe.  I was trying not to drown in the murky water I found myself in and I was fighting the one who only wanted to help me breath.  Who wanted to take me from the mire and bring me to the cool clean water. 

I will admit that I did not fall on my knees and beg for forgiveness.  I didn't breakdown.  I was in shock. I knew I needed to do something but what?   I knew I needed to start praying and setting a time for that.  I knew I needed to get back into the word.  I knew I needed to change.  However, I also knew me.  If I didn't do this slowly, I would be right back where I started.  

I had bought some index cards on a ring.  I printed out some prayer guides I had found on Pinterest.  I set out clothes to exercise in.  Set my study materials on my craft desk.  I had a plan.

I would love to say that I jumped out bed Monday morning in excitement when the alarm went off.  I pushed myself out of bed.  I did 15 minutes interval training on my treadmill listening to worship music.  I spent time in prayer.  I worked on my 40 Day study.  I felt great the rest of the day.  I have done this all week.  It's still difficult to get up, but I have noticed a weight lifted from me.

I have spent more time praying.   When I feel tempted, I pray.  I am currently reading a book on prayer (more on that one when I'm finished reading it).  I attended a Woman Inspired conference this week.  I feel more alive than I have in a long time.  I know it's not because of me or anything I have or have not done.  

God was patient.
God was merciful. 
God loved me not matter what and only wanted the best for me.
He knew what I needed.
He knew how to reach out to me.
He prepped me to listen and I have.

I am not writing this as a confession or to say that everything has been fixed.  Far from it.  I have lost it on the kids this week.  I have gotten angry and allowed bitterness to appear.  I know this is a process.  The beginning.  I also know that Satan will be around.  That I will be tempted to fall and slip back into the dark tank.  I would ask that you keep me and my family in your prayers.  That we would be protected.  That I would have the courage to persevere.  That I would continue to run the race.  That I continue to rest in His arms and submit to His will.

And to think....this all started with a dream about a fish!

What are you struggling with?  Have you taken it to God?  What has God been telling you?  Are you listening?  Come link up with the other Java Junkies this week.





6 comments:

Kendal Privette said...

i love your honesty so much....

WhatIfWeAllCared? said...

I fully understand and am going through something similar, although am a few weeks into it to the point of rebooting my life! So cool the way God picks us up, dusts us off, and sends us back onto the right path with a ((hug))!!!
Prayers for your family sent 0:)

PrincessJenn said...

I tempt you to buy expensive clothes... does that mean I'm Satan?

Rachael said...

This is the second post this morning that God has used to dispel my own doubts about what I post. You know the ones that fall on you after you hit publish? I am feeling encouraged. Thank you for your honesty. Come to think of it, I could use some more prayer time with the Lord today too!

Cary at Serenity Farms said...

Michelle, once again your honesty is inspiring! Thank you for putting into words those ugly little feelings I've been having myself - thank you for giving the nudge, whether you know you were doing that or not, God used you ;D

I stopped and prayed for you right now!!!

Jessica said...

What a dream! It is so awesome when God speaks to us in dreams, isn't it? I remember my dreams every single night, but they don't always have a deep meaning.

I wanted to let you know I switched my blog url to

www.withloveforafrica.blogspot.com

You will have to re-follow to receive posts. :)

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