Sunday, September 23, 2012
11:53 PM | Posted by Michelle | Edit Post
Messy Mondays where I share what God has been showing me through the messiness of life. It is my personal belief that this walk isn't clean and crisp and straight or narrow. It's wide and twisted and mucky and messy. It's about the ups and the downs, but through it all God is there with us
Trust. This is a word that I struggle with. I acknowledge it, but push it to the background and try not to think about it. This summer it was brought to the forefront and I have had to honestly look at it.
Have you ever drivin in southern California? For me it was a new experience. I already have issues as a passenger of a vehicle, watching other vehicles fly by, but nothing prepared me for this. I've been in California before. I've been the passenger before. But this time it was different. Everytime we drove while in California I was a puddle of stress and anxiety. I was sure we were going to be hit or hit something. My husband did all the driving. I do trust his driving, but I didn't trust other peoples driving. People were cutting in and out. Slowing down, speeding up, not using their signal lights (I'm sorry, they are mandatory!). I spent the whole time with one hand on the dash and the other hand on the door. My husband queries me when I do this with "How is this going to save you?" It's not.
I spent a lot of time in silent prayer during this time. Peace enfolded me, for a time until the next car sped by. I came to realize that I don't trust God. I had really look at what it was that was driving me crazy. It's my sense of control. I have no control. I am not in control. There! I've said it. Do I really believe it? Do I really feel it? I've set up schedules. I have a calendar. I know what is going on. But what happens when life throws a curve ball? Recently we had one thrown at us. The center that was going to assess Sam is not going to do the assessment. We are having to scramble with our therapists to do this. When I heard this I melted down. But God was already working. The assessment center and our social worker were already talking about how they could assist our family to obtain the funding we need. The social worker already had ideas that would work and knew our therapists would be able to assist us. What I saw as something beyond my reach, was being placed in a different path.
On my trip, I got to meet up with a great friend who gave me a copy of "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. The first two readings that I read started with the words "trust" and "entrust". God knew what I needed to hear. He knows I have issues trusting others. He knows the walls I have built to protect myself. He is slowly breaking them down. Using anything possible. Teaching me to trust Him and Him alone. Teaching me to let go of the illusion of control. Submitting to Him and His plans.
Has driving gotten any easier? A little. It's a good scale to see how far I've come and how far I have to go.
Are you struggling with trust? What is God using to teach you?
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- I'm a 39 year old (oh yeah I'm telling you my age) Stay at Home mom. A former Bad Girl now reformed sinner, I'm married to my Y2K guy and raising 3 great children from God. Proudly Canadian, however, missing the West Coast, I currently live in the prairies watching the farmers fields produce as I learn how God produces the fruits in me.
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