Lost In the Prairies.....Found by God

I have heard these words many times since becoming a Christian. Two years ago they took real meaning for me.

I mentioned in my post at Sam's Birthday that just before I became pregnant with Sam, I had a miscarriage. I found out two years ago, yesterday that the baby I thought I carried had not gone past 8 weeks.

Two years ago, my hubby and I returned from our fun family vacation. My friend, Jennifer, came over and told us she was pregnant. I was laughing my head off because we had both declared months earlier that we were both D-O-N-E! Two was enough. We both had a girl and boy. After she told us, my hubby asked if I wanted another one. I thought he was crazy, but the more I thought about it and prayed about it, the more I knew that God was leading me to have another child. In fact, someone once told me I was going to have a girl and two boys.

We got pregnant pretty soon after trying. The first part of my pregnancy was normal to my other pregnancies - constant morning sickness. However, this one felt a bit different. I started spotting almost immediately. At first I thought it was because I did too much physical activities, as we were coaching our daughters under 6 soccer team. I went to the doctors and had an ultrasound. It appeared that our dates were a little different than what the ultrasound showed. My doctor said just to take it easy, so I did. I continued to spot on and off for a few weeks.

Finally the day of my ultrasound occurred. My husband decided to stay home with the kids so I went in alone. During the ultrasound the technician was pretty quiet. I knew something was wrong when she said she would get the doctor. I prayed that God would be near to me. I was told the news no mother should have to hear. That her child had not made it. I was devastated. I called my husband and told him.

When I got home, I literally walked to our room and lost it for a few hours. I'm sure the kids were wondering what was going on? There were many questions I had, why us? Why now? What had I done? Was it my lack of faith? Was I not following Christ enough? Was this punishment? I was angry!

I remember going to bed that evening and telling God how I felt. That this was unfair. That I didn't deserve this. That my family didn't deserve this. Then He led me to the verse above. He was there with me. I didn't deserve this. But He would do great things in me through this. He would be there for all the moments I wouldn't see. He would refine me through this.

He gave my husband and I the strength to tell my daughter that she wouldn't be having a sibling. She was upset, as was expected. But she knew she would see the baby in heaven. That Jesus had our baby and was taking care of him or her for us. That we would still get our baby, just not in our time. That we would be a complete family in heaven. Is there any better Father than God, who I could trust my child to other than our family.

When I first heard Held. The words crept into my soul. There are few times when I sing along that I do not cry. It expresses everything I felt about that time and this anniversary. I may not get to see my child grow up. There will be no birthday's to celebrate. No getting excited about first steps, first tooth, first dance. But God is there holding me. If you have gone through a miscarriage and question God in it, know that He is there holding you. If you are going through any struggle and don't think you'll make it. Know that you are held by the Father that created you and that will do great things in you.

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

[Bridge]
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
We'd be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This is what it means to be held.....

Please go and see Shawntele at Saved by Grace and sing your heart song!