Monday, May 17, 2010

Music Monday - Held

also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us (Romans 5:3-5 NIV)
I have heard these words many times since becoming a Christian. Two years ago they took real meaning for me.

I mentioned in my post at Sam's Birthday that just before I became pregnant with Sam, I had a miscarriage. I found out two years ago, yesterday that the baby I thought I carried had not gone past 8 weeks.

Two years ago, my hubby and I returned from our fun family vacation. My friend, Jennifer, came over and told us she was pregnant. I was laughing my head off because we had both declared months earlier that we were both D-O-N-E! Two was enough. We both had a girl and boy. After she told us, my hubby asked if I wanted another one. I thought he was crazy, but the more I thought about it and prayed about it, the more I knew that God was leading me to have another child. In fact, someone once told me I was going to have a girl and two boys.

We got pregnant pretty soon after trying. The first part of my pregnancy was normal to my other pregnancies - constant morning sickness. However, this one felt a bit different. I started spotting almost immediately. At first I thought it was because I did too much physical activities, as we were coaching our daughters under 6 soccer team. I went to the doctors and had an ultrasound. It appeared that our dates were a little different than what the ultrasound showed. My doctor said just to take it easy, so I did. I continued to spot on and off for a few weeks.

Finally the day of my ultrasound occurred. My husband decided to stay home with the kids so I went in alone. During the ultrasound the technician was pretty quiet. I knew something was wrong when she said she would get the doctor. I prayed that God would be near to me. I was told the news no mother should have to hear. That her child had not made it. I was devastated. I called my husband and told him.

When I got home, I literally walked to our room and lost it for a few hours. I'm sure the kids were wondering what was going on? There were many questions I had, why us? Why now? What had I done? Was it my lack of faith? Was I not following Christ enough? Was this punishment? I was angry!

I remember going to bed that evening and telling God how I felt. That this was unfair. That I didn't deserve this. That my family didn't deserve this. Then He led me to the verse above. He was there with me. I didn't deserve this. But He would do great things in me through this. He would be there for all the moments I wouldn't see. He would refine me through this.

He gave my husband and I the strength to tell my daughter that she wouldn't be having a sibling. She was upset, as was expected. But she knew she would see the baby in heaven. That Jesus had our baby and was taking care of him or her for us. That we would still get our baby, just not in our time. That we would be a complete family in heaven. Is there any better Father than God, who I could trust my child to other than our family.

When I first heard Held. The words crept into my soul. There are few times when I sing along that I do not cry. It expresses everything I felt about that time and this anniversary. I may not get to see my child grow up. There will be no birthday's to celebrate. No getting excited about first steps, first tooth, first dance. But God is there holding me. If you have gone through a miscarriage and question God in it, know that He is there holding you. If you are going through any struggle and don't think you'll make it. Know that you are held by the Father that created you and that will do great things in you.

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
We'd be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This is what it means to be held.....

Please go and see Shawntele at Saved by Grace and sing your heart song!


Denise said...

beautifully said michelle.

i'm sorry for your loss, but celebrate with you that your child lives in glory in the fullness of God's love better than life. i celebrate the day we will be whole families together with Christ.

this next september will mark 10 yrs since i lost my son (miscarried at 14 weeks). i still miss him. every. day.

may our good God hold you today micelle, and may you enter into the sweet mysteries of heaven. where "no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind can conceive, what God has prepared for those who love him."

~Rain``` said...

My sister went through a miscarriage last year. It was SO HARD to watch her going through that, knowing that her child would not be born in May of this year, so close to our son's due date.

But God has His way of healing the hurts in our lives. By God's grace, they are expecting again and their child is due around the same time they received the devastating news last year. PRAISE GOD.

May God grant you comfort today, Michelle.

Karinann said...

May your little angel in heaven intercede for you and your family. This is a powerful song- thank you for sharing it.

GrandmaK said...

Most touching! I can empathize as I have lost two to miscarriage. Both angels await my return. It causes me to hope! Thank you! Cathy

Shawntele said...

I enjoyed this song tonight Michelle. Sorry to read of your loss, and appreciate how you shared your heart with such openness. Have a blessed day!

Colleen said...

Beautiful song. Thank you so much. I had a miscarriage on New Year's Eve 30 years ago. I still think of her. This song really touched me. You are in my prayers. God bless.

Andrea said...

I have to say, I love how your heart has just blossomed these past two years. I am so proud of you and proud to be your friend. Love you. said...

I know that pain, too. We miscarried twice, early in marriage. We were together ten years before our only daughter was born. Those were years of desperate uncertainty, trying to understand God's plan and wondering if He would ever provide a child for us.

She was worth our wait! Eight years of so much joy... Now we are excitedly looking ahead, as we are close to getting our Foster Parenting license. This seems to be the path forward to growing our family a little bigger!

Thanks for the song.

Home's Where My Heart Is said...

Michelle, what a touching post. Thank you for sharing about such an important part of your life. "Held" is a beautiful song. My friend said this song really meant a lot to her after losing a baby, too. I am so sorry for your loss.

I wanted to stop by and thank you for visiting my blog yesterday and for your comments. I really like the idea of having girls lift their arms. I am going to borrow that for my girls group.
Thanks also for the book recommendation; I am going to look for it. I love to read, and especially value books that help me find my way through these spiritual & parenting matters.

I can't wait to visit your blog again, looks like we have tons in common. See you again soon :)


Owner of Homeschool Faith and Family Life Website said...

I am thankful that God has "held" you over the years as you mourn the loss of your little one. Thanks for sharing your heart...and for the beautiful song. It's amazing how much "presence" the little ones we've lost still have within us, isn't it?

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