Monday, May 14, 2012

Messy Mondays - Remembering

Messy Mondays where I share what God has been showing me through the messiness of life. It is my personal belief that this walk isn't clean and crisp and straight or narrow. It's wide and twisted and mucky and messy. It's about the ups and the downs, but through it all God is there with us.

I was reminded of something that I put in the back of mind.   The thing that I remember when I hear Sam laugh; watch the kids play together or look at photos of our family - we are incomplete.  No I am not announcing that I want another baby.  I am DONE!  3 is enough for us.  We are incomplete because this week was the anniversary of the day we lost one of our children.  It is a reminder to me that I'm missing one.  One is paving the way for the others in a place I know exists.  One is rejoicing and dancing already with our true Father, while we wait here.  One is waiting for us....

I thought this week that I would share a post I wrote about my miscarriage on the 2nd anniversary of the miscarriage.  We had just rejoiced in Sam's 1st birthday and I wanted also to remember this anniversary because we should rejoice always.

also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us (Romans 5:3-5 NIV)
I have heard these words many times since becoming a Christian. Two years ago they took real meaning for me.

I mentioned in my post at Sam's Birthday that just before I became pregnant with Sam, I had a miscarriage. I found out two years ago, yesterday that the baby I thought I carried had not gone past 8 weeks.

Two years ago, my hubby and I returned from our fun family vacation. My friend, Jennifer, came over and told us she was pregnant. I was laughing my head off because we had both declared months earlier that we were both D-O-N-E! Two was enough. We both had a girl and boy. After she told us, my hubby asked if I wanted another one. I thought he was crazy, but the more I thought about it and prayed about it, the more I knew that God was leading me to have another child. In fact, someone once told me I was going to have a girl and two boys.

We got pregnant pretty soon after trying. The first part of my pregnancy was normal to my other pregnancies - constant morning sickness. However, this one felt a bit different. I started spotting almost immediately. At first I thought it was because I did too much physical activities, as we were coaching our daughters under 6 soccer team. I went to the doctors and had an ultrasound. It appeared that our dates were a little different than what the ultrasound showed. My doctor said just to take it easy, so I did. I continued to spot on and off for a few weeks.

Finally the day of my ultrasound occurred. My husband decided to stay home with the kids so I went in alone. During the ultrasound the technician was pretty quiet. I knew something was wrong when she said she would get the doctor. I prayed that God would be near to me. I was told the news no mother should have to hear. That her child had not made it. I was devastated. I called my husband and told him.

When I got home, I literally walked to our room and lost it for a few hours. I'm sure the kids were wondering what was going on? There were many questions I had, why us? Why now? What had I done? Was it my lack of faith? Was I not following Christ enough? Was this punishment? I was angry!

I remember going to bed that evening and telling God how I felt. That this was unfair. That I didn't deserve this. That my family didn't deserve this. Then He led me to the verse above. He was there with me. I didn't deserve this. But He would do great things in me through this. He would be there for all the moments I wouldn't see. He would refine me through this.

He gave my husband and I the strength to tell my daughter that she wouldn't be having a sibling. She was upset, as was expected. But she knew she would see the baby in heaven. That Jesus had our baby and was taking care of him or her for us. That we would still get our baby, just not in our time. That we would be a complete family in heaven. Is there any better Father than God, who I could trust my child to other than our family.

When I first heard Held. The words crept into my soul. There are few times when I sing along that I do not cry. It expresses everything I felt about that time and this anniversary. I may not get to see my child grow up. There will be no birthday's to celebrate. No getting excited about first steps, first tooth, first dance. But God is there holding me. If you have gone through a miscarriage and question God in it, know that He is there holding you. If you are going through any struggle and don't think you'll make it. Know that you are held by the Father that created you and that will do great things in you.



Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

[Bridge]
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
We'd be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This is what it means to be held.....

I'll be linking up today with the Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood at Finding Heaven.

5 comments:

Jedidja said...

Thank you for sharing this memory. We have the same memory and I did not know that. For a long time I hid my feelings, but after reading a book I have allowed myself to grieve. It is now fifteen years ago. You know, we are not complete on this earth but I think it is very great up we have already a family gathering in heaven that will welcome us, with Him, on that great day ... Big hug.

ells said...

we are neighbors at Jen...so glad you have felt God’s grace and healing... I too have found comfort in knowing I have ones held just by Jesus...I love that song
Blessings to you~

Jen Ferguson said...

Michelle -- so, so good to see you back at SDG. I love your new blog look. It's beautiful.

And your post -- thank you for sharing this about your life. I didn't know that you had a miscarriage. The way you write honestly about your struggles and how you have found redemption through the suffering is so uplifting and real.

Courtney said...

I love your new look and the new button. It drew me over here and I'm so glad I got to sit down and read your post. It is powerful. I didn't know you had gone through this. Your honesty is touching and I feel inspired from reading. Thank you :)

Joan said...

Michelle - I can't imagine how you felt losing your own child. My brother and his wife lost a child in the sixth month of pregnancy. Anna would now be 26 years of age had she lived. Years later, my niece slept in the bed with me while she was having problems with her first pregnancy. There was very little sleeping, we mostly lay there and talked, and prayed, and hoped. Yet the baby didn't make it. However, only a short time later, she became pregnant again and now has a beautiful daughter.

Thank you so much for sharing this. I know there are ones out there who have also suffered the loss of a child that can find comfort in your words.

And thank you for visiting me today.

Blessings,
Joan

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I'm a 39 year old (oh yeah I'm telling you my age) Stay at Home mom. A former Bad Girl now reformed sinner, I'm married to my Y2K guy and raising 3 great children from God. Proudly Canadian, however, missing the West Coast, I currently live in the prairies watching the farmers fields produce as I learn how God produces the fruits in me.

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