Monday, May 28, 2012

Messy Monday's - You are not a bad mom!

Messy Mondays where I share what God has been showing me through the messiness of life. It is my personal belief that this walk isn't clean and crisp and straight or narrow. It's wide and twisted and mucky and messy. It's about the ups and the downs, but through it all God is there with us.

I am forever calling myself and the things I do being a "Bad Mom."  This has been driving my "evil twin" bananas.  She is forever getting annoyed with me.  The last time I said it, she went on a rant.   It was a rant that I needed to hear and felt that every mom needs to hear.  So,  I told her to blog it for me and here it is.

Finally, brothers and SISTERS, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. (Philippians 4:8 NIV)

After posting that verse I am going to begin by talking about some of my pet peeves - well - that phrase is one of my pet peeves - but for lack of a better one I will use it. I get super frustrated when I am creating culinary masterpieces in the kitchen and people sneak in and grab something or just stand in the middle of the kitchen silently. I am a legally blind cook - I am wielding sharp knives - I am sloshing hot liquids about - I might main or injure you - and then I will have to be sorry and you will be indignant and then blame yourself - seriously - just go sit at the table 2 meters away and STAY THERE! It is an enter at your own risk zone - don't make me responsible for your high risk behaviors. Phew, I got that one out.

Don't leave doors half open - they must be either open or shut or else I will walk into them and get hurt. Do not throw wet things into the dirty laundry basket - hang it up to dry - that is the only laundry rule in the house - it is not hard! Do not ask me "how can you stand using the computer with that voice?" duh - I have no choice. - how can I NOT use the computer with that voice? When you are done with the toilet paper - put a new roll on - it is not a feat of mechanical genius. Yes my name can be Debbie without it being Deborah on my birth certificate - I can show my documentation to prove it - but really?

OK these are all things that we all have to one degree or another for various and sundry really good reasons - mine are the best - but you can have yours too. When people do things that annoy or irritate us we respond -react - politely - some days not so much. Sometimes we just have to fix the problem for our selves - like when a person does put new toilet paper on the roll - but it is on the wrong way - you know what I mean.

There is one thing thing that I have a harder and harder time just letting slide. This is what it is: when anyone - who patently is not - declares -"I know I am being bad mom." I hear this from many wonderful God loving women I know. I have read it on Facebook and in blogs of many God loving women I know. I am always sad and angry when I hear it. This is my true pet peeve - it goes beyond pet peeve territory - peeved is too limited to describe how I feel. I am disturbed, saddened, angry, bereft!

This is what I mean: I was a bad mom today - we just went to McDonalds for lunch. I am being a bad mom - the kids are front of the TV watching Cars 2 and eating cookies(home made ones btw). I was a bad mom today - I let the kids play on the OUI while I washed the floor and folded laundry.

What has this world come to? What have mommy wars wrought? Women don't even need other people to judge them - they are doing a great job for themselves.

When I ask some of my friends who say this - what do you mean by that - they say - well - I don't really mean it know what I mean.?  No - I do not know what you mean - in fact - I do not WANT to know what you mean - it leaves me empty hearted to think about what you mean.

When my daughter - who is now 11 - was 1 and 2 years old - I would often say things like - oh, mommy is stupid - or mommy is doing a dumb thing. My sister noticed me doing that once and called me on it. she asked why I was putting myself down. She asked what message I was sending to my child by saying such things. What sort of attitude was I fostering in her about me? 
 At the time I was struggling with a lot of self esteem issues - I was feeling inadequate and insecure about my marriage and my ability to be a mom. I was also looking for a job and feeling defeated because I was 32 years old and did not start a career properly before I had a baby. Through encouragement of many loving people and by drawing me closer to Him the Lord brought me out of that and showed me that God esteem was more important than self esteem. He showed me that I was already perfect in His eyes but on this side of the veil - not yet there. He showed me all sorts of things about grace.

One of the things I learned was that I had to stop saying that I was stupid or anything remotely negative. When I said those things - I believed those things - even when I said I was only joking - there was a level at which I thought and believed these lies to be true. And in essence I was denying God's redemptive work in me.

I would love for all my Jesus following mom friends and sisters who I have not met - who are reading this - to stop saying that they are bad moms. They are denying the truth about what Jesus did on the cross by saying such nonsense. There are social workers and police officers and emergency room staff out there who can tell you what a really bad mom is. This is not meant to be a comparison - but really - think about what you are saying. First about what Jesus has done for you. Second, what effect your words are having on your children and family. Third, what effect are your words having on you? 
Please please please stop saying you are a bad mom for doing things that are not bad at all. God has blessed you and entrusted you with the children you have. When you feel overcome by the burden that this can sometimes be - turn to our Perfect and Eternal Father. He has already gone ahead of us - He has already given us all we need. When you are weak - turn to Jesus - he is sitting at the right hand of God - speaking on our behalf - it is His JOY to do this. He has been human - He knows our every weakness.

You are not a bad mom - you are a saved mom, a redeemed mom, a beloved by the God-most-high mom. Spread the joy!

AMEN!!!! Sister.  I am linking up with a whole bunch of God most high moms at Finding Heaven today.


Jen Ferguson said...

God has convicted me through this post -- I lament all the time that I am a "bad mom." In honor of you, I will stop with the negative criticism. :) But I will say, I tell my kids all the time -- no wet laundry in the hamper!!

Anonymous said...

Amen to this, it bothers me when I hear it too. Its all the comparison and having unrealistic standards that Jesus never said we have to have. And it sounds like you are a truth teller, we need more of those loving truth tellers like your sister was for you.

Courtney said...

Like Jen said, you just convicted me. I honestly don't know if I say this very often, but I hear it and I get your point. What have these mommy wars done to us? Great question - we are way too judgmental of ourselves and others. Excellent post.

TimandMichelle Croyle said...

Fabulous Post!!!

My photo
Alberta, Canada
I'm a 39 year old (oh yeah I'm telling you my age) Stay at Home mom. A former Bad Girl now reformed sinner, I'm married to my Y2K guy and raising 3 great children from God. Proudly Canadian, however, missing the West Coast, I currently live in the prairies watching the farmers fields produce as I learn how God produces the fruits in me.

Mini Me

Mini Me





Friends and Neighbours

Where I travel