Lost In the Prairies.....Found by God

I've always wanted to write a novel.  When I was 17 I even dug out the old typewriter and started typing.  I didn't get past the first paragraph.  It wasn't that I lacked a vivid imagination, it was that I lacked the words to express that imagination.  I didn't know where to begin.  How to start.  I also admittedly at that time lacked patience to sit there and focus on writing.  Now you may say that was because I was 17, however, its something I still struggle with.  I have many studies where I started them and have never finished them.  I'm a Martha and have to be doing rather than sitting.

Last week at Babes, one of the questions posed by Beth Moore in the study guide of  David - Seeking a Heart Like His, was: 

I loved this question.  It spoke to my imagination.  My writing juices started flowing (ok, raging).  I immediately started thinking of songs that I love or have loved about love and relationship.  About longing and lost.  About hope and despair.  These songs, though many reflecting about eros love, reflected my love of God.  My relationship with God.  My longing for Him.  My running from Him.  My embracing Him.  I have always expressed myself in song through my life.  Music is often the mode of expression that I use to praise God.  I've used it in prayer, in worship, and in teaching.   While reflecting more on the question, my "book" started taking a  life of it's own, just as my relationship with God did.

Therefore that would be the beginning of the first chapter "The Continual Meet and Greet" (I couldn't find a song to express this).  When I moved back with my mother a few years later, again I found sanctuary in the Church.  However, this congregation was not as uplifting of me as I needed.  When I think back, I think this is where I experienced the hypocrisy of the Church body - the bench warmers, the judgers, the know it alls.  This was the beginning of my teen years, which are so formative and of which I could have used God's truth, love and grace to get me through.  The Church failed and I floated away.....

When I was in my mid twenties I met my husband, who was a Chrstian and attended Church.  This lead to my "Formal Introduction" to God.  I started attending church with my husband and his family.  I even attended a Franklin Graham Crusade.  I still wasn't ready to accept, but I was open to hearing more.  

 

I want to first apologize to all of you.  Last week you all lovingly linked up your randomness.  I had plans on reading the blogs during the weekend and comment on each of them.  Sadly I didn't.  When I finally found the time, linky was being upgraded.  So I did not get a chance to read your blogs.  However, thank you all for linking up faithfully.  It is a joy to see all your smiling faces each week and to read your words.  Many times they are a blessing to me more than you know.   

I'm sitting here writing this and listening to David Bowie's Changes.  I think this will be my theme song for the next few months.  Cindy at She Sparkles wrote about her theme song, so I'm claiming this as my song.  

I love the lines :   Turn and face the strange // Just gonna have to be a different man.  They apply to my life.  Last year at this time if you had told me that my son was autistic, I would have fought you on it.  If you had told me that I would be making appointments with autism services to get him assistance, I would have told you you were crazy.  If you had told me that my little guy was anything less than perfect, then I would have taken you out back and well all you momma bears know what I'm talking about.  But these are things that I have had to realize and had to process these last few months.  It's a lot to take.  The little boy that I had so many dreams and plans for is not the little man that I  have.  Not that I don't have dreams and plans for him, just new plans.  I have had to look at things differently than I did a year ago.  

There have been many glimpses of hope these last two months as well as glimpses of defeat.  We have an assessment date which I have embraced and rejoiced for.  Answers to questions are coming.  I know there will be many more questions, but there will be direction for them.  We've also begun to start the battles.  Which organization will be assisting us.  Yes, we can decide that our son isn't ready for kindergarten.  As I said, it's the beginning of the battle. 

We know what we want for our son and we're willing to fight for it.  The middleman deserves everything possible.  He deserves the best that we can get him.  In that, our family is making a huge life decision.  We have decided to move back to where we moved from.  The province we originally came from has some of the best funding for autism.  The city we are looking at has so many services and support groups compared to one in the city we are living by.  

This is a hard decision.  It is not one we have taken lightly.  We have made many dear friends in our little town.  I will miss my Babes who have lifted me up in prayer, strength and faith when I needed it and while I still need it.  I will miss my little town who has given me such peace.  We are also separating Nic from her friends that she has grown up with for the last 4 years.  This decision has been hard.  But I know it's the decision that we have had to make and that God has lead us to.  There have been too many coincidences and I don't believe in coincidences.  I believe they are things that God shows us where He wants to lead us. 

God has been working within me these last few years.  Teaching me to rely on His strength alone through difficulties and trials.  Guiding me along paths that I did not want to go, but knew I had to take.  Leading me to where He needed me to be.  He has been changing me these last 4 years and I am a different (wo)man.

Hi everyone.  I am alive.  These last two weeks have been busy and things have been changing here in the Prairies, but more about that tomorrow with Caffeinated Randomness.  

A reminder of my goals :

Goal #1 - No yelling.  I started off really well.  Then this last week I've been yelling again.  Most of the time at the baby to get off the table and get out of the toilet and get out of the....you get my meaning.  Having a toddler sometimes makes it difficult NOT to yell and after I've yelled at him, I've been noticing then I'm yelling at everyone.  This week, however, I plan to get back on track.  I have noticed a change  in the house when I wasn't yelling with the other children and when I do yell.  They seem more scattered and ignore me.  When I wasn't yelling, they were listening and attentive and we could actually have conversations.  This is important to me.  I don't want my children to remember their childhoods living with a banshee.  As well, I don't want to support their yelling at each other. 

Goal #2 - Scrapbook 1 Hour/Week - This has completely failed.  I've partially finished my Executive Homemaking Binder and Thomas's Doctor's Binder.  I have a layout ready for a page for Nic's book.  I know there have been times this last week where I wasted time watching TV on the internet.  I'm realizing that if I want to get serious about this I'm going to have to start actually prioritizing a time to do it.  Similar to my treadmilling time (don't even ask me about that this week).  I did discover Picnik though last week and am starting to realize the benefits of digital scrapbooking. 

Goal #3 - Organize Kitchen Cupboards - I've actually been doing this.  I've finished 5 cupboards so far.  In fact, last week my chore chart from Motivated Mom had clean and organize pantry on the list for Wednesday.  This was the cupboard I was actually scared to start.   I decided to just start and get it over and done with.  It wasn't going to clean itself.  I pulled everything off shelf by shelf and threw out all expired food and 1/2 opened packages.  Now I have a nice organized pantry.  I've actually kept it that way more than a week.  I think that could be a record.  I now just have to face the plastic cupboard, but I do have a plan.  If it doesn't have a lid to match or if the reverse is true (container to lid), then it is going.  

I need to stop floating.  I need to get out of the fog that is currently invading my home.  I need to reach out to God and start doing.  Start serving Him in my home in everything I do.  Even by picking up the toys in my basement without griping and grumbling and nagging, I'm choosing to serve Him.  Willingly.  Joyfully.  

I know many of us are struggling with our goals.  When I read your struggles I remember my word for the year.  Persevere.  Persevere in all you do.  Persevere even when your little one is wiping his muggy hands on your TV.  Persevere, even when you just want to wallow in self defeatism.  Persevere and remember, it's not about you.  It's all about Him!