Lost In the Prairies.....Found by God

After posting that verse I am going to begin by talking about some of my pet peeves - well - that phrase is one of my pet peeves - but for lack of a better one I will use it. I get super frustrated when I am creating culinary masterpieces in the kitchen and people sneak in and grab something or just stand in the middle of the kitchen silently. I am a legally blind cook - I am wielding sharp knives - I am sloshing hot liquids about - I might main or injure you - and then I will have to be sorry and you will be indignant and then blame yourself - seriously - just go sit at the table 2 meters away and STAY THERE! It is an enter at your own risk zone - don't make me responsible for your high risk behaviors. Phew, I got that one out.

Don't leave doors half open - they must be either open or shut or else I will walk into them and get hurt. Do not throw wet things into the dirty laundry basket - hang it up to dry - that is the only laundry rule in the house - it is not hard! Do not ask me "how can you stand using the computer with that voice?" duh - I have no choice. - how can I NOT use the computer with that voice? When you are done with the toilet paper - put a new roll on - it is not a feat of mechanical genius. Yes my name can be Debbie without it being Deborah on my birth certificate - I can show my documentation to prove it - but really?

OK these are all things that we all have to one degree or another for various and sundry really good reasons - mine are the best - but you can have yours too. When people do things that annoy or irritate us we respond -react - politely - some days not so much. Sometimes we just have to fix the problem for our selves - like when a person does put new toilet paper on the roll - but it is on the wrong way - you know what I mean.

There is one thing thing that I have a harder and harder time just letting slide. This is what it is: when anyone - who patently is not - declares -"I know I am being bad mom." I hear this from many wonderful God loving women I know. I have read it on Facebook and in blogs of many God loving women I know. I am always sad and angry when I hear it. This is my true pet peeve - it goes beyond pet peeve territory - peeved is too limited to describe how I feel. I am disturbed, saddened, angry, bereft!

This is what I mean: I was a bad mom today - we just went to McDonalds for lunch. I am being a bad mom - the kids are front of the TV watching Cars 2 and eating cookies(home made ones btw). I was a bad mom today - I let the kids play on the OUI while I washed the floor and folded laundry.

When I ask some of my friends who say this - what do you mean by that - they say - well - I don't really mean it but.well.you know what I mean.?  No - I do not know what you mean - in fact - I do not WANT to know what you mean - it leaves me empty hearted to think about what you mean.

When my daughter - who is now 11 - was 1 and 2 years old - I would often say things like - oh, mommy is stupid - or mommy is doing a dumb thing. My sister noticed me doing that once and called me on it. she asked why I was putting myself down. She asked what message I was sending to my child by saying such things. What sort of attitude was I fostering in her about me? 

 

 At the time I was struggling with a lot of self esteem issues - I was feeling inadequate and insecure about my marriage and my ability to be a mom. I was also looking for a job and feeling defeated because I was 32 years old and did not start a career properly before I had a baby. Through encouragement of many loving people and by drawing me closer to Him the Lord brought me out of that and showed me that God esteem was more important than self esteem. He showed me that I was already perfect in His eyes but on this side of the veil - not yet there. He showed me all sorts of things about grace.

One of the things I learned was that I had to stop saying that I was stupid or anything remotely negative. When I said those things - I believed those things - even when I said I was only joking - there was a level at which I thought and believed these lies to be true. And in essence I was denying God's redemptive work in me.

I would love for all my Jesus following mom friends and sisters who I have not met - who are reading this - to stop saying that they are bad moms. They are denying the truth about what Jesus did on the cross by saying such nonsense. There are social workers and police officers and emergency room staff out there who can tell you what a really bad mom is. This is not meant to be a comparison - but really - think about what you are saying. First about what Jesus has done for you. Second, what effect your words are having on your children and family. Third, what effect are your words having on you? 

 

Please please please stop saying you are a bad mom for doing things that are not bad at all. God has blessed you and entrusted you with the children you have. When you feel overcome by the burden that this can sometimes be - turn to our Perfect and Eternal Father. He has already gone ahead of us - He has already given us all we need. When you are weak - turn to Jesus - he is sitting at the right hand of God - speaking on our behalf - it is His JOY to do this. He has been human - He knows our every weakness.

I've discovered a new love.  Something that is slowly becoming the thing that I crave, dream of and can't live without it.  It could become my new best friend.  Sorry Evil Twin.  What is it?  Its a Copy Cat Caramel Apple Spice drink.  

Doesn't it look delicious.  Can you believe it actually has no caffeine?  It makes me want to grab a blanket and cuddle up watching Grey's Anatomy (which is now on probation because they killed off my favourite character) or read a good book. 

I found the recipe on Pinterest while browsing through the Food & Drink boards.  I have found some great recipes there.  I saw the picture and then checked out the website.  The only thing you really have to cook is the cinnamon syrup.  It was super easy to make and I keep it in a mason jar in the cupboard.  I think next time instead of cinnamon, I'll use pumpkin pie spice and see what it tastes like.  I have also used real whipped cream and cool whip.  Of course real whip is the way to go and that's from someone who loves cool whip (I've been known to eat it frozen like ice cream).  

So how does this feel like cheating?  It is on the verge of becoming the "go to" drink.  I could drink it more than coffee.  GASP!!!! Did I just say this?  No, I don't think that could happen.  I require the caffeine to perk me up in the mornings.  This could be my evening drink, or could it become something else........?

Have you tried anything new lately?  What have you found on Pinterest that you can't live without (and Pinterest itself does not count)?

Come link up this week and share your favourite randomness with us.

Last week I attended a workshop called "A Place to Belong - Supporting People with Disabilities to be included within our Church Communities." There is a part of me that questions why there has to be a workshop regarding this. That we, as Christians, actually need to be taught to include ALL people in Church. This is the place where we should be welcomed no matter what. No matter if we have a disability. No matter if we are homeless, beaten, hurting - messy! If you look at the people Christ associated with during his 3 year ministry they weren't perfect. They weren't the people filling the pews every Sunday. They weren't the people that tithed regularly every week. They were the people that "we" (yes I include myself in here) turn our noses at. That we put within an arm's reach.

Yet, we still think we are perfect.  We hinder those who make us uncomfortable from worshiping with us.  We segregate them.  We put them in spaces that supposedly make it easier for us and their families to worship, but we really ignore the bigger picture.  We don't make them a part of our community.  We believe they  don't belong and make sure they don't belong.  We say we want God's community to look like a rainbow.  But the rainbow we think of is a perfect hemisphere with perfect colours .  God's community doesn't look like this.  God's community is full of imperfections.  But despite these imperfections, He makes us beautiful. 

We need to create an environment that includes everybody because that is what Jesus did.  He included everyone: adults, children, sinners, saints.  He loved all not because they were perfect but because they were imperfect.  He loved them for who they were and their potential.  When we don't include ALL into our church bodies, we are telling people they don't have potential and need to fit into our picture perfect puzzle. 

I have a problem in my house.  It's a bit annoying.  To those who know me, or if you follow me on Facebook, you know my music tastes.  I prefer light music.  Music I can sing to.  Music that can change my mood.  The problem - the men in my family like Neil Young.  

For those who don`t know who Neil Young is (if you don`t, have you been under the musical rock?), Neil Young is a Canadian musician who started or played in some of the most influential bands of our times - Buffalo Springfield and, of course, Crosby Stills Nash and Young.  He has had an amazing solo career as well.  However, saying all this growing up I DID NOT LIKE NEIL YOUNG.  I appreciated some of his music (Harvest Moon, Old Man, This Notes for You), however, the other 99% of it I couldn`t stand.  Who knew that I would marry someone with the box set?

Neil and I learned to coexist together.  I would tolerate the music if I could eventually listen to my music.  I didn`t have to listen to Neil in my own vehicle or while Leroy was at work.  We had a great understanding.  This came to an end after the boys came. 

I had a Murphy Brown moment when Thomas was a baby.  Do you remember the episode where after she had her baby?  The baby is crying all night and she plays him her favourite Motown music.  Screaming continues.  While flipping stations on the radio, she passes a station playing Barry Manilow (her musical arch nemesis).  The baby stops crying.  She switches back to her music baby cries.  She switches back to Barry Manilow, baby stops crying.  She starts crying.  This happened between me and Neil.  My hubby was listening to Neil`s Old Man while Thomas was in one of his biggest meltdowns and I couldn`t get him to stop.  Old Man plays...you know what happened.  Neil had broken the truce.  When ever Thomas would get upset, we would play Neil and he would go to sleep. 

Since then I have gained a greater appreciation for Neil.  My husband has even suggested that I never hated Neil, I only pretended to hate him.  I actually enjoy watching and listening to the video of his Heart of Gold tour.  I can actually sing along to most of it now.  

However, Neil is about to release a new album in June.  I was a little excited about it.  I thought it would be like the Heart of Gold material.  Alas, it is not.  He is taking old traditional music and twisting it.  Here is his version of She`ll be Coming Around the Mountain :

Yes I know.  Interesting.  I have to admit that the more I hear it, the more it grows on me or maybe I`ve become dull to it because I hear it at least 50 times a day.  The boys all love it.  I mean all of them.  My hubby of course loves it because it`s Neil.  Thomas as well.  Now Sam.  Leroy was playing it and Sam ran to the TV and started moshing and dancing to it.  He too loves Neil now.  In fact, when it is playing on my laptop, Sam has figured out how to get it to play again and again and again and again until Mommy closes YouTube.  When asked if they wanted to listen to Mommy`s cool funky music or Daddy`s, Thomas says Daddy`s.  I made the mistake of asking him why the other morning.  He said "Me like it!"  Who can argue with that?

Here`s hoping that I can enter into some detente with Neil.  Although, I`d rather listen to Neil than Yo Gabba Gabba (shhhhhhh don't tell the boys). 

Have you had a Murphy Brown Moment?  What music do you listen to? 

Come link up and share your moments this week.

Pray that Chinese churches will not be daunted by threats and pressures from the government, but will remain faithful to Jesus (Hebrews 10:23).

Pray that believers throughout China will be bold in sharing the gospel despite the difficulties they face.

Pray that Christians in China will encourage one another in the face of persecution and that God will prevent the local authorities from attempting to stop house churches meeting.

  

The one concern of the devil is to keep Christians from praying.

He fears nothing from prayerless studies, prayerless work and prayerless religion.

He laughs at our toil, mocks at our wisdom, but trembles when we pray (Samuel Chadwick)

I was reminded of something that I put in the back of mind.   The thing that I remember when I hear Sam laugh; watch the kids play together or look at photos of our family - we are incomplete.  No I am not announcing that I want another baby.  I am DONE!  3 is enough for us.  We are incomplete because this week was the anniversary of the day we lost one of our children.  It is a reminder to me that I'm missing one.  One is paving the way for the others in a place I know exists.  One is rejoicing and dancing already with our true Father, while we wait here.  One is waiting for us....

I thought this week that I would share a post I wrote about my miscarriage on the 2nd anniversary of the miscarriage.  We had just rejoiced in Sam's 1st birthday and I wanted also to remember this anniversary because we should rejoice always.

also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us (Romans 5:3-5 NIV)

I have heard these words many times since becoming a Christian. Two years ago they took real meaning for me.

I mentioned in my post at Sam's Birthday that just before I became pregnant with Sam, I had a miscarriage. I found out two years ago, yesterday that the baby I thought I carried had not gone past 8 weeks.

Two years ago, my hubby and I returned from our fun family vacation. My friend, Jennifer, came over and told us she was pregnant. I was laughing my head off because we had both declared months earlier that we were both D-O-N-E! Two was enough. We both had a girl and boy. After she told us, my hubby asked if I wanted another one. I thought he was crazy, but the more I thought about it and prayed about it, the more I knew that God was leading me to have another child. In fact, someone once told me I was going to have a girl and two boys.

We got pregnant pretty soon after trying. The first part of my pregnancy was normal to my other pregnancies - constant morning sickness. However, this one felt a bit different. I started spotting almost immediately. At first I thought it was because I did too much physical activities, as we were coaching our daughters under 6 soccer team. I went to the doctors and had an ultrasound. It appeared that our dates were a little different than what the ultrasound showed. My doctor said just to take it easy, so I did. I continued to spot on and off for a few weeks.

Finally the day of my ultrasound occurred. My husband decided to stay home with the kids so I went in alone. During the ultrasound the technician was pretty quiet. I knew something was wrong when she said she would get the doctor. I prayed that God would be near to me. I was told the news no mother should have to hear. That her child had not made it. I was devastated. I called my husband and told him.

When I got home, I literally walked to our room and lost it for a few hours. I'm sure the kids were wondering what was going on? There were many questions I had, why us? Why now? What had I done? Was it my lack of faith? Was I not following Christ enough? Was this punishment? I was angry!

I remember going to bed that evening and telling God how I felt. That this was unfair. That I didn't deserve this. That my family didn't deserve this. Then He led me to the verse above. He was there with me. I didn't deserve this. But He would do great things in me through this. He would be there for all the moments I wouldn't see. He would refine me through this.

He gave my husband and I the strength to tell my daughter that she wouldn't be having a sibling. She was upset, as was expected. But she knew she would see the baby in heaven. That Jesus had our baby and was taking care of him or her for us. That we would still get our baby, just not in our time. That we would be a complete family in heaven. Is there any better Father than God, who I could trust my child to other than our family.

When I first heard Held. The words crept into my soul. There are few times when I sing along that I do not cry. It expresses everything I felt about that time and this anniversary. I may not get to see my child grow up. There will be no birthday's to celebrate. No getting excited about first steps, first tooth, first dance. But God is there holding me. If you have gone through a miscarriage and question God in it, know that He is there holding you. If you are going through any struggle and don't think you'll make it. Know that you are held by the Father that created you and that will do great things in you.

Two months is too little

They let him go

They had no sudden healing

To think that providence

Would take a child from his mother

While she prays, is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued

What has changed and

Why should we be saved from nightmares

We're asking why this happens to us

Who have died to live, it's unfair

[Chorus]

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was when everything fell

We'd be held

This hand is bitterness

We want to taste it and

Let the hatred numb our sorrows

The wise hand opens slowly

To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

[Chorus]

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was when everything fell

We'd be held

[Bridge]

If hope is born of suffering

If this is only the beginning

Can we not wait, for one hour

Watching for our savior

[Chorus]

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was when everything fell

We'd be held

We'd be held

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was when everything fell

We'd be held

This is what it means to be held.....

I'll be linking up today with the Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood at Finding Heaven.

 

Are You Regular or Decaf?

Blogthings: Learn Something Surprising About Yourself

Pray that Christians in Khartoum will know the peace, presence and protection of Jesus.

Pray that the detained students will be released. Pray that all demolition orders will be officially withdrawn.

Please ask God that church leaders will know the Spirit's guidance and wisdom at this time.

Messy Mondays where I share what God has been showing me through the messiness of life. It is my personal belief that this walk isn't clean and crisp and straight or narrow. It's wide and twisted and mucky and messy. It's about the ups and the downs, but through it all God is there with us. 

I have to tell you that I am so weary.  I am so tired.  Right now I can't even get the energy to get off the couch and get a snack.  

I have no energy.  The alarm goes off in the morning and a time I was learning to embrace now alludes me.  I can't get up.  I literally have to force myself to get up.  A month ago this was not a problem.

I could blame it on staying up late.  But I, like my kids, can stay up late and for some reason, get up early in the morning.  

I could blame it on working to hard.  Doing to much laundry.  HA!!  Like that would ever happen.  I'm not even working out.  I managed to get myself out of bed at 6:45 am to do a 10 minute work out.  I felt great after and right up until noon, but then I had lunch and that ended my day.

I could say it's because of the kids.  Parenting two boys on the spectrum isn't easy.  But they are easy going kids.  They love to run and play independently.  There are times in the day when the only time I see them is if they want more juice or a snack.   

I'm tired.  I'm exhausted.  I have been praying through this.  He asks us to come to Him, we who are weary.

I am praying that His light would shine through the fog.  That His voice will be heard and guide me to peace.  I am reminded of Psalm 23 and hold to it. 

 I am going through the deepest darkness right now, but I am not alone.  He alone is guarding me.  He will guide me past the rocks that want to destroy me.  

I am weary.  But My God is mighty.  He will protect me.  He will guide me through this time.  He will refine me.

If you have been following lately, you know that things have been pretty foggy here in the prairies and not just figuratively.  For two days I have opened up the blinds in the morning to see fog.  This morning on the way to school I started making fog horn noises.  Growing up near the ocean, you hear that sound frequently.  I loved watching the fog slowly roll in and immerse the harbour in it's grey grasp.  I tried to explain that to the kids.  That the fog that they see is just the clouds.  I know this isn't really scientifically correct, but the kids loved it.  They did not love the fog horn noises.  

We've had a very busy week.  Lots of meetings about the boys.  They have all been very positive.  Unfortunately, some of the information we have received has not.  It appears that Samuel's formal assessment won't be done until the fall.  This is quite frustrating, but our pediatrician has prepared a letter that should enable us to obtain some assistance for Sam until he starts preschool in the fall.  As I write that, I can't even imagine my little bruiser is old enough to go to preschool.  It seems just like yesterday that he was born.  He always seems so young to me that I forget that he's 3 now.  The wait for the assessment is worth it as we will have some answers by this fall, way before his 4th birthday.  That is better than we had with Thomas, who was diagnosed two weeks before his 5th birthday.

This week we've had some good laughs.  Earlier this week, I picked up the two older kids and brought them home.  Daddy was in the backyard fixing our fence and Sam was playing in the back park (our house backs onto a park).  I went to talk to Daddy.  About 5 minutes later Nicole came out all concerned.  "Sam isn't here.  He's missing!"  she informed us.  Daddy replied that "he was nice while he lasted."  I replied "He's gone."  Nicole's reply to our jest was "You are insulting me!"  

I'm also going to be paying more into the future counseling jar for her.  This year I have been one of the leaders at our church's GEMS club.  We joined up with the boys club and made cub cars.  I couldn't remember which car was Nicole's.  So when the cars were coming down the ramp, I was cheering for them all.  However, in one of the first heats one of the cars did a 360 off the ramp just as it was launched.  I laughed and yelled out "Wipeout!"  Guess who's car it was?  That's right my daughter's.    I wonder how much this is going to cost me in the long run.  I did buy her an American Girl Magazine.  I think we're even now. 

As you can see there is a lot of randomness in the prairies, as well as fog.  I hope your week has been as random as mine.  I can't wait to hear about it.