Lost In the Prairies.....Found by God

The fog has returned.  The fog that sometimes drifts down and makes everything fuzzy.  It permeates through my day.  I walk around lost and in a daze.  I have no energy.  I have no motivation.  I just want to lay in bed and read or watch Mad Men (I'm almost done season 4).  

This is what it feels like.  I'm traveling down a road I can't see.  I can't see.  I don't know what to reach for or look for.   I feel lost.  I feel unsure.  I feel lonely.  I feel tired.

I have been trying to focus on going to forward.  I have been trying to focus on the Father and praying for wisdom and focus.   I have been trying to trust Him and His plan for our lives.  But it is hard.  I want to scream.  I want to sit and cry.  I want to lose it.  Instead I dance.

I know it's silly isn't it.  It's not very spiritual.  It's not really what they tell you to do when you are depressed, for that is truly what the fog is.  I dance.  I put on 90s dance music and somehow the music moves me - literally.  I can't even explain why it's 90s dance music and not some other decade.  I can't explain why.  It's not even worship music.  There's nothing deep about it.  There's nothing meaningful in it.  Just music.  Just a beat that makes me want to move.  I hope I'm not alone.  Let's dance!

Come link up and share your randomness today.

Messy Mondays where I share what God has been showing me through the messiness of life. It is my personal belief that this walk isn't clean and crisp and straight or narrow. It's wide and twisted and mucky and messy. It's about the ups and the downs, but through it all God is there with us.  

Last week three famous people passed away. People pass away everyday. Death is an absolute certainty no matter what we do to try to avoid it. However, one of the deaths really affected me – Chuck Colson's. This is man who didn't always live a very “Christian” life. He was involved in one of the worst scandals to hit history which has changed politics ever since.  However, he was a man that spoke about grace. Grace that he had been given. Grace that God gives freely daily. From his mistakes and from “doing time,” he worked actively in prison ministry. He advocated for those in the prison system. Making sure that that they were “fed” in the way they should be fed.

He was also a man who stood up for his beliefs. Since becoming a Christian, whenever there was an argument in the government or courts that could affect how we worship and what we believe, the first person I always heard stand up was Chuck Colson. He fought the good fight we should all be fighting but many of us are too afraid to. He was unafraid of what people said and what people thought. He was fighting for a greater purpose.

We have lost a great man. Who will take up the fight that he was fighting? Who will stand up for those who can not stand up for themselves? Who will fight to make sure our rights are protected? Who will be the next man of integrity? I pray that we do not have to wait long.  However, I pray that we don't just wait for the next man of integrity to come. We also have an accounting for our actions before God. We need to fight for our rights. We need to trust God to lead us and use us in the battle before us as we are going to be facing more and more battles. We live in a world that is against us and an enemy who is fighting to make sure that we fail. God is mighty. God is powerful and God will win – with or without us. I would rather be a part of this fight than not.

If you are interested in standing up, read the Manhattan Declaration and sign it. It is a powerful document that many people have already signed. It is controversial as it talks about supporting traditional marriage, rights for the unborn and the erosion of the marriage culture that we live in. We need to stand together. Now. Not later. Chuck Colson lead the fight and now we must take up the arms and continue to stand up for God in a godless culture. To speak for those who cannot speak for themselves and to remember who's laws are the ones we need to follow first.

This has been a few weeks of wide eye information.   A friend lost her house to a fire.  One friend is being hospitalized for anorexia.  Another friend is having to deal with something no parent should, the sexual assault of her child.   Last weekend I attended a conference about inclusion of special needs individuals within society and read some horrendous stories of institutionalization and sterilization.  I could go on and on, but it's just more proof of the brokenness of our world.  That sin does live among us.  

There are times I just want to sit and cry.  Cry for loss of security.  Cry for the loss of innocence in a little girl's eye.  Cry for the pain of a friend being separated from her child.  Cry for loss of humanity and equality by people who should have known better.  Then I get angry.  I want to lash out.  I want to hurt the people who hurt others.  I want to yell at the top of my voice.  I want to change things.  Then I think who am I?  I can't even deal with my own struggles.  There are days I just want to stay in bed and hide from the things that hurt.  From the struggles that seem to control our lives.  

Last year everyone was raving about Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts".  I have seen so many of you making your lists.  I don't normally jump on any bandwagons.  Sometimes they aren't worth it.  They're pumped up and then I feel let down.  This last week I have been slowly listening to the audio version of "One Thousand Gifts".  I will admit that it started out slowly.  I wasn't sure if I really was interested in going further until she started talking about eucharisteo - Thanksgiving.  That's when I realized that I don't give enough thanks.  Like Ann Voskamp, I look too much about what's wrong and the hopelessness.  I don't look at the little things.  The things that show me that God is still there.  The things that show me hope.  Not just an illusion of it, but the breath of it.  

There is evil in the world.  But there is hope.  True hope.  Hope that  may seem small.  Hope that may seem illusive.  It's all around us.  In the small things.  In the large things.  We breathe it in.  We see it. It's alive.  Sometimes it may only be in the eye of the beholder.  Sometimes is glorious and breathtaking.   Because of this hope, I'm formally jumping on the bandwagon.  I don't know how often I'll post my list.  But I will be posting my list periodically.  I'm hoping this list will enable me to remember where hope is.  To become content with what I have.  To focus on something larger than just myself.  To start thinking positively in the messy world we live in.  To see the light in the darkness.